What Do You See When You Look in the Mirror?

This is a question that for many, if not all of us, can lead down a path of self-criticism, comparison, and discouragement. Perhaps you’re not in that place now and you see yourself with eyes of love and possibility. Even if that’s where you are, I still believe at one point or another we have all dealt with negative self-talk, even if it ebbs and flows. We’ve all suffered the internal battles, fighting comparison and self-criticism. It is crucial we talk about this because how we see ourselves impacts the way we interact with this world, with others, and it impacts choices we make. As we dig in, know we’re going to come out on the other end with an answer: His answer. There is only One to whom we can bring our questions regarding our strength and our beauty, ultimately, our identity.

So, what do you see when you look in the mirror?

There’s the physical aspect to be sure. You see the extra flesh gathering on your stomach or thighs, causing you to cover up with clothes that are too big to try and hide what the world deems as flawed and undesirable. Perhaps those muscles aren’t as defined as you’d like, so you spend money on a gym membership or fitness classes you don’t actually end up going to often enough to make a difference and keep beating yourself up for it. Perhaps you search your face to find the beauty society has deemed worthy of the word. But you fail to see it. Your teeth aren’t white or straight enough, your nose too big or too small. Your face too round or too oval, covered in freckles (sorry Grandma, but they aren’t looking like kisses from the angels). You avert your eyes and begin avoiding mirrors and pictures, discouraged that you’ll never measure up.

How you see yourself affects your actions, your choices.

But, it’s not just the physical. When you truly examine yourself (if we actually allow ourselves to go there), it goes much deeper than outward appearance. Your character, actions, talents, and skills come under the microscope too. Perhaps you think you need to step up your game when it comes to patience and putting others first (if only I was more kind and compassionate like so-and-so.) Perhaps you are passionate about music, a certain sport, teaching, or writing, but you think it’s never going to happen. There’s no way you are good enough or could ever make a difference, so you don’t pursue practicing regularly. You don’t enroll in classes that will help you grow because it doesn’t matter anyway. Perhaps you don’t think you’re witty enough or confident enough to catch the attentions of that one guy or gal, much less keep them over time. Someone else will always be more _________ than you, so why try?

How you see yourself affects your actions, your choices.

Notice how all of these thoughts stem from comparison. There is a standard we hold ourselves to which we have learned since the days in the sandbox – comparing toys or how many friends came to your birthday party. Then we grow up and guess what? Not much changes. The toys become fancier and more expensive and the number of friends comparison remains, but perhaps added on is the number of relationships and current relationship status. Standards of beauty and strength are learned from countless movies, books, celebrities, and culture. We begin to believe our worth is defined by these impossible standards and keep trying to make the uphill climb to a peak none of us will ever reach. I say never reach because how many of the most beautiful, successful, and admired people (by the world’s standards and to many of us are the standard themselves) fail to see themselves that way. How many celebrities or upstanding people in our communities have surprised us with secret eating disorders, gambling, depression, or addiction problems? It’s still not enough.

Let me bring in my own story for a moment and share where I have been and sometimes continue to struggle through. I’m a 28-year-old single woman. I work for a great ministry, live in a comfortable house, belong to a church I have called home. The Lord has laid on my heart a passion for story – both fiction and non-fiction. I love watching movies and TV shows, reading books, and listening to others share where they have been and what they have experienced. I love how so often art and story depict Gospel truths and reveal parts of the Father’s heart and His love for us. I’m in the process of continuing this blog and finishing a draft of a memoir as ways to live out this passion and reveal more of the Father’s truth to this weary world. All that to say, sounds like I have it all together and life is just wonderful, right? A lot of days it is and sometimes I am able to see that. But, there are the days (more often than I care to admit) when I haven’t been able to see it. I haven’t been able to see myself clearly. I’ve asked the questions through tears on yet another night alone: am I enough? Am I lovely? I’ve done the thing where I look at myself in the mirror, smile, then shrink away, almost disgusted with what I see, nearly in tears, as I hear a voice declare, “Nope. Not enough. There’s the extra weight, the teeth aren’t that straight, look at that cellulite! Your face just…wow…bleh. Keep working, keep going if you want, but it’s never going to be enough.”

It’s not just physical. I have known for a couple years now the Lord wants me to step out and finish my book. He wants me to pursue writing and story, adventure, risk, and just trust Him for each step, one at a time. And yet, there are times when He provides the time and the inspiration and I ignore my computer that feels like it’s pleading with me to open and just start. Would it matter anyway? I don’t pick up my writing notebook and pen and let the words flow and practice my craft. I don’t call up my friends to spontaneously hang out because that would mean driving 45 minutes out in the cold darkness. I don’t dream with Him or open the Word where I know His truth would set me back on course and flood this enveloping shadow with light, exposing the lies for what they are. Instead of being strong (by choosing His strength and leaning on community), instead of admitting my weakness (in which His power is made perfect), instead of pressing into these things and finding out what the barrier is and why I can’t break it, I choose something else. There are times I choose inaction and in doing so, let the shadow cover me. I choose to drown in that which numbs – escaping in these stories that can either inspire me to soar or pull me in and hold me there. On these days I’m selfish, lacking courage. On these days, how can He call me Beloved or Daughter when I’m clearly not acting like it?

Comparison. Expectations. Standards set in place, not by my Good Father, but by this world, which the enemy uses to infiltrate and plant doubt and fear. So, how do we break this? How do we stop ourselves from the comparison, from the doubt, inaction, and despair that can so often follow?

I mentioned story. Something I love and know the Father uses to speak to me. In the midst of all this muck that ebbs and flows, He has never left me and He has never stopped speaking truth over me. Because that’s who He is. He’s never going to leave and He’s never going to give up. I want to share a truth He reminded me of twice in a matter of days, speaking through a Bethel song and a moment in an episode of NBC’s This Is Us that provides an answer to this question.

In Season 2, Episode 13 of This Is Us, teenage Kate finds out she is a finalist for her dream music school, but they need her to send in a recording of an original song. Her dad, Jack, suggests videotaping her song to send in and she adamantly refuses, not wanting to be captured on video. The scene shifts to Kate recording her song in her bedroom with the door slightly open. Jack hovers silently with the video camera, capturing his daughter singing her heart out. Kate stops abruptly when she sees him and yells at him to stop, then storms out. He finds her outside and he apologizes.

Jack: It would break my heart if you didn’t want to be on camera because you don’t realize how beautiful you are.

Kate: You saying stuff like that to me was fine when I was a kid, but I’m older now and I don’t see myself the way you see me. And no one else sees me like that either. So you saying it all the time, it just…hurts.

Later in the episode, we see Kate watch the tape her dad filmed. She rewinds it twice and watches it again and again, seeing how her dad looks at her. She sees how he watches her, eyes gleaming with love and pride, clearly captivated by her. As that realization washes over her, her face softens and a small smile begins to form that reaches her eyes.

She goes downstairs to find her dad and in a moment of vulnerability shares her heart.

Kate: Don’t ever stop. Don’t stop trying to make me see myself the way you see me.

When I watched that scene, my eyes filled with tears that wasted no time in spilling down my face. Holy Spirit tingles (that’s what I call them) ran up and down my arms, my chest, and warmed me all the way through. That’s how the Father sees us! That’s how He sees me! He looks not with annoyance, disgust, or impatience. He doesn’t tap his foot, run His fingers through His hair, throw up His hands, exasperated that we still don’t get it. That we question it. No. No, dear one.

He looks at us with eyes gleaming with love. He sees His beautiful creation, unique, lovely, and GOOD (Psalm 139; Genesis 1:31). He sees our heart, not our sin, our mistakes, or our unbelief (Psalm 145:8-9 & 17; Isaiah 1:18). He sees a work beautifully in process that He is going to see through to completion (Philippians 1:6; Isaiah 64:8). He sees His child (John 1:13; Romans 8:14-16; 2 Cor. 6:18). Precious, cherished, and worth fighting for (Isaiah 43:1-4; 1 Peter 2:9; Hosea 11). Beautiful enough to sing over (Zephaniah 3:17).

I know these truths and I am sure you have heard them before, but dear brothers and sisters (myself included), we NEED to start seeing ourselves through His eyes on a daily basis, letting it penetrate deep into the heart and core of who we are because that IS who we are. Can you imagine what that would look like if we actually did? The freedom, boldness, and risk that flow from a love so secure and steadfast?! Drink that in. Soak that in. Talk to Him about it. Realize getting there is an ongoing process – ask Him to keep changing your heart and your perspective. Know He is by your side through it all and He will never abandon you.

The second reminder of this came from a Bethel worship video, Abba, I Belong To You (7:23):

Freedom comes when I see the way you see me God

I want Your eyes to be my mirror

Wanna be so close, to see myself in Your eyes

No more fear and no more shame

No more distance, no more space

Just me and you Father in this place

I think that speaks for itself. I encourage you to listen to that song all the way through and let it sink in. If you have given your life to Christ, declared Him your personal Lord and Savior, then please NEVER forget, you belong to Abba. You have a home. It’s with the King. If you haven’t received Him or haven’t been sure, know this same love is available to you. He is waiting with open arms, beckoning you to come. And man oh man does He love you! Can you see that? Can you receive it?

Breaking lies and the hold of comparison involves seeing ourselves the way the Father does. So, I challenge you to a couple of things:

1. Ask the Father how He sees you. Spend time with Him in prayer – no time limit, no to-do list. Just ask Him this question. Then listen. (I suggest having a journal and pen so you can write down whatever He shows you/speaks/brings to mind.)
2. Then, whenever you look in a mirror, look with His eyes – speak out what He told you.

I did this and again, how Papa wrecked me in the best way. I came to Him, nervous (which I knew was ridiculous), almost fearful of what He was going to tell me. Surely with all the lies I’ve been believing, the selfish choices, paralysis by analysis, and fear…it wasn’t going to be pretty, right? Even typing this out right now, I feel a little sheepish letting you in on my internal thought process because I know our God doesn’t operate this way and yet, here I was, hesitant to come before my Father. But, I proceeded to ask Him anyway, “How do you see me?” Then, I just listened. As I took a deep breath, I felt my whole body relax and the Holy Spirit warmed me with His presence, embracing me. It’s hard to describe, but it’s like I could feel the joy from the Father, like He had all the time in the world. He was thrilled and pleased I asked and couldn’t wait to tell me His answer.

I saw an image of a little six or seven year old girl being pushed on a swing by her daddy, squealing with delight. Her hair down, headband in place to keep it back from her face, dressed in a dark blue skirt and sleeveless denim shirt, giggling and looking back at her dad for reassurance and as if to ask, ‘Are you watching?!’ Then, she leapt off the swing and ran around in the grass. Then, the image shifted to a lone pink flower, vibrant, glowing with the rays of the sun, its light kissing the brilliant green leaves, stretched out and reaching higher.  I interrupted Him at this point, “Pink, really Papa?” (I am not a big fan of pink.)

“Yes, pink. Feminine. Soft. Radiant. Nothing else in sight. You stand alone, set apart. I delight in your beauty.”

Cue tears. Here’s what I wrote in my journal that morning:

I am amazed Lord and I just want to sit here all day. Oh how I’ve brushed you aside and silenced you – not even giving you a chance to speak in our time together! Forgive me Papa. Oh how sweet is your voice!

There is no sweeter or truer voice. Every day we face a choice of what voice we will heed. Will it be that of the Shepherd or the thief (John 10)? Will it be His standard or the world’s? This is His standard by the way, pulled from material I’m currently going through in discipleship:

“God loving us and rejoicing over us is based on our existence, not on our performance.”

Let that one sink in.

The prayer I am desperately crying out to the Father each day is what I hope you will begin to pray for as well – what Kate told Jack:

Don’t ever stop. Don’t stop trying to make me see myself the way You see me.

And you know what? He won’t.

I’m working, by His power, to shut out all other voices when I look at myself, listening to the Voice of Truth alone, holding fast to that beautiful, radiant pink flower.

Now, it’s your turn. Ask Him how He sees you. You won’t want to miss the answer.

What did He show you? I think we would all be encouraged from sharing that with each other – please share in the comments section below!