Balance: The Elusive White Whale

It’s been nearly three months since I have written. I could say it’s because I am just living life and work is crazy and there just hasn’t been time.

And while that may be true, there’s more to it. There’s a deeper issue going on here and it has everything to do with idols. I’ve been bowing down to some of my very favorite idols – busyness and selfishness, using lack of time and energy as excuses.

Tiredness is real. Burnout is real. But as my sweet Papa has reminded me lately, “Choices, Darling.”

Choices are also real.

What am I choosing? And deeper than that, why am I choosing?

When I feel like I am making the “wrong” choice, am I choosing to beat myself up about it and dwell in failure or do I remember the grace upon grace offered to me?

Lately, I have been choosing to dwell in the negative and dwell in the failure – feeling like I am drowning in this whole balancing act. A pattern has formed in my life – coming home each day after a long, stressful day of work at a job I am not passionate about and falling onto my bed, completely exhausted, no energy or motivation to pursue the passions the Lord has placed on my heart. The last thing I want to do is go write or pull out the manuscript for my book. The last thing I want to do is leave the house again and go talk to more people. The last thing I have energy for is to organize and work on lessons for youth group.

So I lay there, stuck motionless. Knowing what I should do and what I know would bring me life if I would just get up and do it. And yet, I bow down to my feelings and my tiredness.

Have you been here?

Have you been in a place where you feel like the balance is all out of whack and you don’t know how to begin to fix it?

That the struggle bus kicked you off and ran right over you?

Waking up knowing how hard each day will be and how drained you’ll feel before the sun is even up?

It’s not easy. The only way to make it through is by His strength. Maybe that sounds cliché and not that helpful, but it is the honest truth. It is the only way to make it through. It’s a daily choice – an active battle.

What does that look like?

The Lord is still by my side in the midst of this odd time of shift/transition and muck. He is faithful when I am faithless, reminding me of truth. I hope these truths are encouraging to you and help you take on the balancing act one day at a time – they sure have breathed life into my dry bones these past few months.

“Look Up” There have been days at work where it takes everything in me not to lash out at the candidates who think it’s no big deal to not show up to work repeatedly (I recruit at a staffing agency). The heaps of open jobs needing to be filled weigh me down and everything seems to be going wrong. Stress manifests in near constant tension I feel in my neck and shoulders. The Holy Spirit has whispered to me time and time again, “Look up!” More often than not my head is down and so I see the reminder of my identity written in black ink across my right wrist, “I am His.” I take a couple of deep breaths, close my eyes and see my Jesus. His nail-scarred hands outstretched, a huge grin spreading across His face. The victory is won. This job is momentary. The stresses, the payroll issues, the difficult customers are nothing in light of His presence and in light of eternity. It’s funny how even just a little perspective can shift everything.

2 Corinthians 4:16-18 (check out the first part of this chapter, understanding why Paul comes to this conclusion), “Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.  For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.  So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.”

“My ways are not your ways” This one has been a sobering reminder that I do not have it all figured out, nor am I meant to. Our God is so good and so big that He knows what He is doing in a hundred million little ways each day, working out His purpose in our lives. Often we aren’t going to see what He is doing or understand, but that is where faith comes in – trusting He is faithful, that He is who He says He is! Do you trust He is working out His best for you? Do you trust that nothing is wasted? Do you trust Him?

Philippians 1:6 “…being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.”

“I see you. I love you. I’m here” Life is full of change – different seasons come and go, relationships shift, but He is constant. Through it all His love endures and remains. He is our anchor of Hope. He knows everything we are feeling and how much we may be struggling. He sees my sin and my failure, yet His love for me does not change. He meets me with grace and love. He remains my rock, my good Papa.

“Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High

    will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.

 I will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and my fortress,

    my God, in whom I trust.”

Surely he will save you

    from the fowler’s snare

    and from the deadly pestilence.

 He will cover you with his feathers,

    and under his wings you will find refuge;

    his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.”

Psalm 91:1-4

Balance is hard. It’s one of the things we will always struggle with in this life. There is no perfect formula and there’s no place of “I’ve arrived!” and everything stays smooth forever. It is a process we will always be working through.

Thankfully our God is a God of the long game. You in?

“Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.” Hebrews 12:1-3