Over and Over

Today is the last day of 2020. It feels like it took 12 years for us to get here and yet at the same time, I’m sitting here asking myself where the last 365 days went! 

This time of year is always a time of reflection for me. I enjoy looking back on the year with the Lord, reading through journal entries, looking at pictures, and remembering moments, both big and seemingly ordinary. Taking this time creates space for my heart and mind to celebrate the year. It helps me to see how the painful moments coupled with the joyful ones contributed to the growth I saw this year. It helps me to see the combination of each day, each interaction, and each choice led me to today. It helps renew the wonder of the goodness and faithfulness of my Father God.

I pray for a word of the year as each January approaches and my 2020 word was marriage. At first I had a real sassy response to the Lord (eyerolls and everything – bless Papa for His immense kindness and patience), but it had nothing to do with meeting someone. It had everything to do with my commitment to Jesus and re-learning the hard work of the day in and day out of our covenant relationship. It had everything to do with diving deeper in our relationship and growing intimacy. Cultivating that has everything to do with this truth:

Every day is a choice. (Sometimes every hour!)

Marriage is all about choosing each other daily, moment by moment. Love is demonstrated by the choices we make and the actions we take. I have been humbled so much this year in the reality of the truth Jesus never fails to choose me. He is always present and has committed Himself to me; He will never leave me or forsake me. You guys, I am terrible at consistently choosing Jesus daily over my own heart and ways even though I know that’s where abundant life and joy are found! I’m growing in this to be sure, but I’ll be honest, sometimes it’s just discouraging to see how bad I am at loving Him as He deserves. And yet even in that, grace abounds.

You know how the Father is personal and Holy Spirit speaks to us in all kinds of ways? One of the consistent ways He speaks to me is through story – books, films, and music. As I was out on a walk around Thanksgiving time this year, some Ben Rector melodies pumping through my earbuds, one song struck my heart. My mouth dropped open as I realized it put to words this marriage lesson Jesus has been speaking into each day of 2020. It’s called Over and Over. Pause and give it a listen. 

I would choose you over and over

I would choose you over and over

I would choose you over and over again, again

And after all that we’ve been through

There’s no one else for me but you

I would choose you over and over again, again, yeah

Again, again

Again, again

Again, again

When I’m down (you lift me up)

When I’m dry (you fill my cup)

No one else (could have my love)

No one (My love)

No one

It’s all about relationship when it comes to God. It’s not like casual dating, it’s like a marriage covenant. Hence why the Bible tells us the closest earthly representation of Jesus’ heart for His people is that of a groom and His bride! It’s commitment. Daily commitment. It means choosing each other over and over. When the rose-colored bliss or fire of newfound faith seems to fade. When you don’t feel like it. When you think you can do better. When you don’t see the growth happening as fast as you would like. When you feel like the truth isn’t true. When other voices seem to offer something better. When it feels like the promises aren’t going to be fulfilled. Jesus sets the tone for us. He laid down every right, His own glory, to come and give Himself to us that we may have life. He chooses me perfectly every day. He responds in love and grace! 

Even when I tell Him I’m sick of waiting. He chooses me.

Even when I run to someone or something else time and time again. He chooses me – time and time again. 

Even when I doubt and give into fear. Again, He chooses to be there, right in it with me. 

Even when I mess up, sinning, choosing my way over His even though I know it won’t bring life. Over and over again. 

Even when I snap at my close friends or family. He chooses me.

Even when I act out of anger or selfishness. He chooses me. 

So, when I heard this song, listening to it with Holy Spirit, it hit me. This isn’t about Jesus choosing me – that’s a done deal regardless of how I feel and may doubt that truth from time to time (Romans 8:10-11, John 14:16, Hebrews 13:5). 

It’s about me choosing Him. 

There is no one else for me but Him. Only He satisfies! All of this life means NOTHING without the best in the Kingdom – the KING Himself! Loneliness, longings, spiritual hunger can only be satiated by the Bread of Life and Living Water (John 6:22-71 & John 4). We’ve all walked through a lot this past year. For me, it’s looked like re-learning the rhythms of rest, traveling to three new countries before the pandemic locked everything down, sitting in the fog of uncertainty regarding future job and where and how to live, watching the Lord come through time and time again when I was almost out of money with no way to provide for myself, learning to lean on community and receive their care, saying goodbye to a community and place I love, moving to a new state, starting a new job requiring 100% financial support by others…beginning again in so many ways. 

All of the new places, faces, and transition…all the questions of provision…of desires long-held and still unmet…He truly was the One who never let go of my hand. Even when I dropped my gaze, looking around at all the impossibilities around me, my proverbial giants occupying the promised land, He took my face in His hands and gently reminded me, “Eyes on Me, Beloved.” He reminded me to keep trusting Him and to keep moving forward. It all happens by faith. Psalm 27 has been my heart’s prayer and cry the last six months specifically. I encourage you to read the whole thing, slowly and out loud. Then do it again. 

“One thing have I asked of the Lord, that will I seek after: that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord and to inquire in his temple.” Psalm 27:4

He matters most. Seeking first what He has each day. Getting my face in His Word, talking to Him, listening to Him. Intentional time and vulnerability cultivates intimacy and builds trust. Life flows from being with Him. He is home.

My Jesus and I have been on quite the wild ride in 2020 and it doesn’t appear to be slowing down anytime soon. Even in these last days of 2020 my heart hasn’t been in the best place, wrestling with loneliness and a whole spectrum of emotions – good and difficult. All I know is my confidence is His faithfulness. His banner over us is love (Song of Solomon 2:4) and He is for us (Romans 8:31). He is here, so it is well. I choose to command my heart, “Bless the Lord O my soul!” (Psalm 103) He will always come through – in whatever ways bring Him the most glory! I want to do the same for Him, no matter how imperfect and broken I am, no matter how many times I mess up, I pray I continue to choose Him. As Isaiah 30:15 says, “In returning and rest you shall be saved; in quietness and trust shall be your strength.” I pray I grow a little more each day by the power of His spirit to love Him as He deserves. I pray my life is for His glory. 

Closing out this year and moving into 2021 and beyond, I pray the desire of my heart is to always sing out this anthem, regardless of circumstances, feelings, or mistakes:

I would choose you over and over again Lord

Again

Again

I pray the same for you my friends. He’s the best there is. Keep choosing Him.

Over and over.